Humor Me: Diary of a 1-year-old
By MATT WIXON
Wow, the last year went by fast. It’s hard to believe, given my youthful looks, but I have now hit the big zero-one. It happened last week, in fact, as my family and I celebrated my first year of life. I’d like to say it was a great party, but I only got to watch everyone else eat pizza and cake while I was “treated” to things like spoonfuls of Stage 2 chicken-and-rice dinner, fruit medley and Cheerios.
Seriously, Dad ate like five pieces of pizza. Isn’t that ridiculous? Also, at the pizza place, Dad thought it would be fun for me to sit on the motorcycle video game to pretend that I was playing. He didn’t even put a coin in. I might still be young, but I know what’s going on when the screen is flashing “game over” and “insert coin.” I wasn’t born yesterday.
No, I was born a full year ago. And now that I’ve reached this milestone, I thought I would share some of my diary entries from the last year. That’s right, I keep a diary. I have a lot of free time these days, and it’s never too early to get started on the memoirs.
From the diary of Nathan Wixon:
Day 7
I’m a week old now but still adjusting to the big move. The new place is much more spacious, but a bit bright and drafty. There’s also way too much activity around me as I try to sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open most of the time, but when I open my eyes for more than 30 seconds, my parents goes absolutely bonkers. I’m worried they may not be very intelligent and that’s a hereditary trait.
Day 31
I’ve pretty much got this world figured out. I wake up, I eat and then I try to relax for a few minutes as I suffer through full-body hiccups. Then I poop and get my diaper changed by Mom or the guy who is allegedly my dad despite the fact that I have a ton of hair and he has zippo. After the diaper change, it’s time for me to give my grumpy-man look while I attempt to focus my crossed eyes on whoever is holding me. Then I fight the creeping sleep monster by crying my eyes out in my bassinet until the sleep monster defeats me.
Day 58
Tested my Emergency Broadcast System today. I just screamed for no reason, and so far, the system works well. Fortunately, this was only a test. If it had been an actual emergency, well, I would’ve done the same thing.
Day 75
Hello? Anybody out there? I’ve been screaming for like 10 minutes and nobody is coming here. It’s a shocking lack of gratitude for someone who just this morning made his parents’ day by smiling for the first time. Of course, I was only smiling because I had released some gas, but don’t tell my parents that. I like to see them get excited by these small achievements. They’re so cute at this stage, don’t you think?
Day 124
I just discovered that I have two older brothers. They are always playing crazy games and bouncing around on couches and talking really loud when I’m trying to take a nap. Until recently, I assumed that they were just hired to keep me entertained by wrestling next to my activity saucer. But now Mom and Dad are always telling them to “Watch out for your brother,” and I think they are referring to me.
Day 140
For the last time, Mom and Dad, I hate the baby swing. BOOOORIIING!
Day 159
How old is she? How old is she? A person asked that today. It made me so angry that I nearly spit up on mom’s last remaining non-spit-up-stained shirt. Then I went home and threw a ball around and tried to break stuff. I also tried to tell my parents to get rid of any of the jumpers in girly pastel colors, but all that came out was “gah.”
Day 160
Spit up on mom’s last remaining non-spit-up-stained shirt.
Day 209
Went in the pool today. A little chilly, but I kind of liked it. I splashed with my hands while Dad held me and then suddenly –- don’t ask me why –- I decided to try to dive bomb the water with my face. Not such a good idea. Dad thought it was funny until I decided to grab some chest hair to help regain my balance.
Day 262
Today was pretty exciting. I pulled all of the pots and pans out of the kitchen cabinets, put my hand in the dog’s water bowl and then knocked over the fake ficus tree in the kitchen. A pretty full day, and I could’ve done more if not for these stinkin' naps I have to take.
Day 327
Launched myself right off the changing table today. I’d been trying for weeks, but this time I succeeded as Dad was trying to get a diaper out of the drawer. Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’ve got a Mom who has things a little more together.
Day 334
I can now pull to a full standing position. That’s great except for one thing: I don’t know how to get back down once I’m standing. So I have to stand there crying for help. I suppose this is an inconvenience at 3 a.m., but so is having to take two naps a day. When I start talking, there might be some room for negotiation.
Day 365
Watch out world, I am ONE YEAR OLD. A time to reflect on the year gone by, all of my accomplishments and the many toys I’ve tried to put in my mouth. And, once again, a good time to test my Emergency Broadcast System.
Yep, still works.
***
To be on the list that is sent out when a new column in posted, e-mail mattwixon@gmail.com.
Wow, the last year went by fast. It’s hard to believe, given my youthful looks, but I have now hit the big zero-one. It happened last week, in fact, as my family and I celebrated my first year of life. I’d like to say it was a great party, but I only got to watch everyone else eat pizza and cake while I was “treated” to things like spoonfuls of Stage 2 chicken-and-rice dinner, fruit medley and Cheerios.
Seriously, Dad ate like five pieces of pizza. Isn’t that ridiculous? Also, at the pizza place, Dad thought it would be fun for me to sit on the motorcycle video game to pretend that I was playing. He didn’t even put a coin in. I might still be young, but I know what’s going on when the screen is flashing “game over” and “insert coin.” I wasn’t born yesterday.
No, I was born a full year ago. And now that I’ve reached this milestone, I thought I would share some of my diary entries from the last year. That’s right, I keep a diary. I have a lot of free time these days, and it’s never too early to get started on the memoirs.
From the diary of Nathan Wixon:
Day 7
I’m a week old now but still adjusting to the big move. The new place is much more spacious, but a bit bright and drafty. There’s also way too much activity around me as I try to sleep. I can barely keep my eyes open most of the time, but when I open my eyes for more than 30 seconds, my parents goes absolutely bonkers. I’m worried they may not be very intelligent and that’s a hereditary trait.
Day 31
I’ve pretty much got this world figured out. I wake up, I eat and then I try to relax for a few minutes as I suffer through full-body hiccups. Then I poop and get my diaper changed by Mom or the guy who is allegedly my dad despite the fact that I have a ton of hair and he has zippo. After the diaper change, it’s time for me to give my grumpy-man look while I attempt to focus my crossed eyes on whoever is holding me. Then I fight the creeping sleep monster by crying my eyes out in my bassinet until the sleep monster defeats me.
Day 58
Tested my Emergency Broadcast System today. I just screamed for no reason, and so far, the system works well. Fortunately, this was only a test. If it had been an actual emergency, well, I would’ve done the same thing.
Day 75
Hello? Anybody out there? I’ve been screaming for like 10 minutes and nobody is coming here. It’s a shocking lack of gratitude for someone who just this morning made his parents’ day by smiling for the first time. Of course, I was only smiling because I had released some gas, but don’t tell my parents that. I like to see them get excited by these small achievements. They’re so cute at this stage, don’t you think?
Day 124
I just discovered that I have two older brothers. They are always playing crazy games and bouncing around on couches and talking really loud when I’m trying to take a nap. Until recently, I assumed that they were just hired to keep me entertained by wrestling next to my activity saucer. But now Mom and Dad are always telling them to “Watch out for your brother,” and I think they are referring to me.
Day 140
For the last time, Mom and Dad, I hate the baby swing. BOOOORIIING!
Day 159
How old is she? How old is she? A person asked that today. It made me so angry that I nearly spit up on mom’s last remaining non-spit-up-stained shirt. Then I went home and threw a ball around and tried to break stuff. I also tried to tell my parents to get rid of any of the jumpers in girly pastel colors, but all that came out was “gah.”
Day 160
Spit up on mom’s last remaining non-spit-up-stained shirt.
Day 209
Went in the pool today. A little chilly, but I kind of liked it. I splashed with my hands while Dad held me and then suddenly –- don’t ask me why –- I decided to try to dive bomb the water with my face. Not such a good idea. Dad thought it was funny until I decided to grab some chest hair to help regain my balance.
Day 262
Today was pretty exciting. I pulled all of the pots and pans out of the kitchen cabinets, put my hand in the dog’s water bowl and then knocked over the fake ficus tree in the kitchen. A pretty full day, and I could’ve done more if not for these stinkin' naps I have to take.
Day 327
Launched myself right off the changing table today. I’d been trying for weeks, but this time I succeeded as Dad was trying to get a diaper out of the drawer. Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’ve got a Mom who has things a little more together.
Day 334
I can now pull to a full standing position. That’s great except for one thing: I don’t know how to get back down once I’m standing. So I have to stand there crying for help. I suppose this is an inconvenience at 3 a.m., but so is having to take two naps a day. When I start talking, there might be some room for negotiation.
Day 365
Watch out world, I am ONE YEAR OLD. A time to reflect on the year gone by, all of my accomplishments and the many toys I’ve tried to put in my mouth. And, once again, a good time to test my Emergency Broadcast System.
Yep, still works.
***
To be on the list that is sent out when a new column in posted, e-mail mattwixon@gmail.com.
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