The Super Bowl party guests you'll try to avoid
A version of this column first appeared in The Dallas Morning News and on DallasNews.com. Please check out the site.
Because that’s what Super Sunday is really about, you know.
The Super Bowl parties. The annual XL celebration of Americana, featuring good
friends, humongous televisions and a chance to combine buffalo wings,
mozzarella sticks and football-shaped cupcakes on the same plate.
------------
Some may dispute whether the Cowboys are “America’s team,”
but the Super Bowl is certainly “America’s game.” During the decisive final
minutes of last year’s Super Bowl XLVII, when once again the Cowboys had the
day off, an estimated 114 million people were watching.
Or at least their TV sets were tuned to the game. I’m sure
some people had left the room, or were hitting the buffet table, or were lying
on the couch, nodding off under nacho-smeared paper plates.
 |
There’s also a football game, of course. And that creates
one of the most interesting aspects of Super Bowl parties: the mingling of
hard-core fans with those who think bump-and-run coverage refers to car
insurance.
If party attendees were displayed in a pie chart – a
Butterfinger or Snickers pie, perhaps? -- the largest slices would be for those
who don’t stand out in the crowd. But a few slivers would be reserved for some
of these characters you’ll find Sunday:
The Superfan
Usually found near the 50-yard line of the television room
and often wearing an authentic jersey, The Superfan overreacts to everything
and demands awkward high-fives. He (or she) will scream “come on!” and “you’ve
got to be kidding!” after a first-quarter play that will only be remembered as
the moment when kids at the party no longer felt safe.
Aliases: Maniac,
Guy with the Rash from the Body Paint
Common acquaintances:
The Embarrassed Wife
**
The Questioner
Many people at Super Bowl parties know little about
football, but few seek education during the biggest game of the year. During a
dramatic moment in the game, the Questioner is known to throw out “does anyone
ever run into the field-goal post?” and “why do they call it football when they
don’t kick the ball very much?”
Aliases: Ask.com,
The Student
Common acquaintances:
The Distracted Husband
**
The Genius
It defies logic, but each of the millions of Super Bowl
parties includes one person who knows more about football than anyone else in
the world. The Genius spouts clichés such as “you’ve got to be able to run the
ball” and “defense wins championships,” and is both amused by other fans’ lack
of knowledge and frustrated by coaches who don’t have a better understanding of
the game.
Aliases: Chief,
Professor
Common acquaintances:
The Guy Who Says He Wins His Office Pool Every Year
**
The Downer
This person could be flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct
when pointing out that “those fat guys look really unhealthy” and “I bet that’s
another concussion right there … so dangerous.” The Downer is also famous for
reminding others, especially those who show any kind of emotion, that “it’s
just a game.”
Aliases: Dark
Cloud, Person Sitting Alone
Common Acquaintances:
The Person who Brought the Cauliflower and Nonfat Dip
**
The Could’ve Been
He has a room full of trophies from youth football and was
darn near a legend at a high school with no verifiable football history. If not
for a nagging shoulder or knee injury, and a lack of talent that goes
unmentioned, The Could’ve Been was headed for big-time college football. He
might’ve even had a shot at the pros.
Aliases:
Storyteller, Dreamer
Common Acquaintances:
The Nodding Buddy Who Believes Everything
**
The Talker
With an ability to socialize about anything, The Talker is
great for 99 percent of parties. He or she is even valuable during the
ridiculously long Super Bowl pregame show. But once the game starts, the
trouble begins. The Talker is like a human version of the VH1 show “Pop-Up
Video,” with a nugget of info on everything: the clever commercials, the
halftime show and even last month’s polar vortex.
Aliases:
Talk-a-thon, Comments R Us
Common Acquaintances:
Everyone. There’s really no escape.
***
You can use the buttons below to share the column on Facebook or Twitter. Click "Follow @wixonhumor" to get a Twitter update for new columns. To get columns by e-mail, type your address in the box under "Receive columns by e-mail" near the top right of this page. Thanks!
You can use the buttons below to share the column on Facebook or Twitter. Click "Follow @wixonhumor" to get a Twitter update for new columns. To get columns by e-mail, type your address in the box under "Receive columns by e-mail" near the top right of this page. Thanks!
