How to pretend you care about the election

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A funny video from The Onion ... how to pretend you care about the election.


Today Now!: How To Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election

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Want my feedback? I've had it with surveys

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A version of this column first appeared in The Dallas Morning News and on DallasNews.com. Please check out the site . ------------ In my tweens and early teens, I had the typical jobs of the original MTV generation. I mowed lawns, although probably not well, and I delivered newspapers, although definitely not well. (Extra! Extra! Read all about it: your paper might be in the bushes, or on the roof, or somewhere in the nativity scene you set up for Christmas). A much more exciting job, which I had sporadically over a couple of years, was as a market research consultant. That sounds less impressive when described as “guy who gets paid to eat stuff,” but it was in that role that I helped bring to the American consumer – ta-da! – Hot Pockets. Yes, I really contributed to one of the most iconic microwaveable products to ever burn the top of your mouth. You’re welcome. And I’m sorry. Obviously, this Hot Pockets role requires more explanation. But first, although this might
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Humor Me: Truth in customer service

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Thank you for calling customer service. Your call is important to us. Press “1” for English, “2” for Spanish or “3” for the language of truth. BEEP. You’ve selected the language of truth. Please choose from one of the following options, all of which will lead to a message that says “we apologize for the inconvenience, but we are currently experiencing an unusually high call volume.” Actually, today’s call volume is about normal. But we recently reduced our support staff by a third and outsourced much of the work to an understaffed call center in Bangalore, India. No, I’m not kidding. If you get to talk to a representative, ask about the mausoleum of Ibrahim Adil Shah II or how the Bangalore Royal Challengers cricket team is doing. This call may be monitored for quality assurance, which means we want to ensure that our customer service reps are doing real work and not chatting with you about something they saw on TMZ or their home-based business pyramid scheme. That sor
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Humor Me: Calculating your very own heat index

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In recent weeks, we’ve had lots of heat advisories across the country. Some of the advisories were even upgraded to full-blown excessive heat warnings, which the National Weather Service issues immediately when heat indexes reach critical levels or Newt Gingrich is seen wearing shorts. (Or, if you prefer, Hillary Clinton wearing shorts. It’s hot enough outside that I don’t want to heat up either side of the political spectrum.) Fortunately, this year’s heat has been nothing compared to last year, when Dallas had its most blistering summer ever. But still, it’s August, so it’s hot just about everywhere in the country. The heat index, which combines the temperature and the relative humidity, tells us just how hot it really is. But what about a more personalized heat index? There are other factors to consider. Wind speed, for example, and a type of clothing’s ability to transfer heat. Put it all together and you can create a mathematical equation that will force my brain to issue
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