Kids in the Hall: sarcasm

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Here's an old favorite from The Kids in the Hall. I remember how much I watched of these guys when I was in college and shortly thereafter:

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Kids unable to read, write, add properly

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Schools are not doing the job, kids are not learning, and the country is going to a hell in a handbasket. Fortunately, this time, the news isn't about this country. This time it's in England, where a headline reads "Half of teenagers leave school unable to read, write or add properly." Despite a rise on 2007, only 47.6 percent of pupils achieved the desired five A* to C-grade GCSEs including English and maths , leaving ministers struggling to hit a 53 percent Treasury target by 2011. Got it? If not, maybe you're a "maths" person. Well, at least there's this bit of good news in the story: Statistics published today by the Department for Children, Schools and Families show that 440 schools are currently falling short of this benchmark - though that is an improvement on last year's dire figure of 631. So it seems to be getting more gooder than worser.
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By MATT WIXON Happy holidays, everyone, and welcome to the annual Wixon holiday letter. The holiday season can be pretty hectic, but it’s nice to get this chance to reconnect with friends and family. I certainly think it’s worth taking a few minutes, especially during this joyous time of year, to pass along warm wishes while weaving in preposterous lies about my family to make you insanely jealous. Hey, isn’t that what a holiday letter is supposed to be? You know, a brag letter? That seems to be the goal of many of the letters I receive each year, which are loaded with words in ALL-CAPITALS and more exclamation points than a text message from BFFs. (Like, you know, BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!!!). Here’s the kind of thing you’ll find in brag letters: Our 5-year-old continues to show UNBELIEVABLE ability in math, science, music and sports! Also, some of his paintings have been called GENIUS, so we’re not sure if he’ll be an INCREDIBLE artist, or a pro athlete, or a WORLD-FAMOUS musician who cu...
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By MATT WIXON As I reached for the doorbell with my arms full of delicious ways for my neighbor to support my school, I glanced down at the fund-raising kit's suggested opening line: "Hello, my name is (your name here) and I am selling delicious cheese-and-sausage products to raise money for (your school here)." That opening line would work fine, but I knew it wouldn't make me the top cheese-and-sausage salesman at my school. I decided to add in how my school needed new playground equipment and that the top salesman would win a trip to Disneyland, where I had always dreamed of visiting (insert 10-year-old grin here). Who could resist such a dramatic presentation? As it turned out, just about everyone. But at least they offered legitimate-sounding excuses. Some couldn't find their wallet or purse. Others had already bought cheese and sausage from another student. A few were allergic to both cheese and sausage -- and talk about bad luck -- they were also allergic to...
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