Out of Office Auto-Reply, blog version

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Thanks for visiting. I will be out of the office, and probably not blogging, until further notice.

That notice will probably come in two weeks when I return to work, unless I somehow become independently wealthy during the time I'm spending with my three kids. If I do become independently wealthy, I promise to write at least one more column so I can describe my good fortune in an extremely obnoxious way.

Yes, it's vacation time, meaning a chance to work on a novel, spend time with the kids and undertake household-repair jobs that are doomed to fail. I'll respond to all e-mailers when I return, unless you're a prince from Nigeria who wants my bank account info.

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Want my feedback? I've had it with surveys

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A version of this column first appeared in The Dallas Morning News and on DallasNews.com. Please check out the site . ------------ In my tweens and early teens, I had the typical jobs of the original MTV generation. I mowed lawns, although probably not well, and I delivered newspapers, although definitely not well. (Extra! Extra! Read all about it: your paper might be in the bushes, or on the roof, or somewhere in the nativity scene you set up for Christmas). A much more exciting job, which I had sporadically over a couple of years, was as a market research consultant. That sounds less impressive when described as “guy who gets paid to eat stuff,” but it was in that role that I helped bring to the American consumer – ta-da! – Hot Pockets. Yes, I really contributed to one of the most iconic microwaveable products to ever burn the top of your mouth. You’re welcome. And I’m sorry. Obviously, this Hot Pockets role requires more explanation. But first, although this might
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Humor Me: Truth in customer service

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Thank you for calling customer service. Your call is important to us. Press “1” for English, “2” for Spanish or “3” for the language of truth. BEEP. You’ve selected the language of truth. Please choose from one of the following options, all of which will lead to a message that says “we apologize for the inconvenience, but we are currently experiencing an unusually high call volume.” Actually, today’s call volume is about normal. But we recently reduced our support staff by a third and outsourced much of the work to an understaffed call center in Bangalore, India. No, I’m not kidding. If you get to talk to a representative, ask about the mausoleum of Ibrahim Adil Shah II or how the Bangalore Royal Challengers cricket team is doing. This call may be monitored for quality assurance, which means we want to ensure that our customer service reps are doing real work and not chatting with you about something they saw on TMZ or their home-based business pyramid scheme. That sor
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Humor Me: Calculating your very own heat index

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