Out of Office Auto-Reply, blog version

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Thanks for visiting. I will be out of the office, and probably not blogging, until further notice.

That notice will probably come in two weeks when I return to work, unless I somehow become independently wealthy during the time I'm spending with my three kids. If I do become independently wealthy, I promise to write at least one more column so I can describe my good fortune in an extremely obnoxious way.

Yes, it's vacation time, meaning a chance to work on a novel, spend time with the kids and undertake household-repair jobs that are doomed to fail. I'll respond to all e-mailers when I return, unless you're a prince from Nigeria who wants my bank account info.

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Throwing away the kids' crafts can feel like trashing memories

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A version of this column first appeared in The Dallas Morning News and on DallasNews.com . ------------------ (Note: Some kids returned to school earlier this month, but in Texas, most of them return next week. That includes my youngest son, Nathan, who will be making his kindergarten debut.) The kindergartners starting school next week, with their anxious smiles and double-knotted shoelaces, will make any size backpack seem big. They’ll spill into classrooms looking like snails hunched under colorful shells. Cooper, then in first grade, educated us about penguins But the backpacks are a must, of course. They’ll be needed to carry home the precious mementos of a kindergartner’s life that parents will want to hold on to forever. Or, uh, throw away after a few days. I feel bad saying that as my 5-year-old starts kindergarten. But Nathan has already produced a plethora of preschool keepsakes. He also has two older brothers, so our family needs occasional memorabilia ...
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Drink G2 and you can say you're an athlete

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One of my new favorite products on the market is G2, from the makers of Gatorade. It's a "low-calorie electrolyte beverage designed for athletes off the field." It's one of the dumbest things out there, and yet bound to make tons of money. According to the Web site , "results indicate that athletes often do a poor job at hydrating off the field." It goes on to say: "One of the challenges with off the field hydration is calories. Many athletes prefer fewer calories in an everyday beverage." Well, maybe their everyday beverage should be water. You'll save 25 calories against every eight ounces of G2, which despite all its hype about electrolytes, is actually this: Kool-Aid for adults. (Adults who are embarrassed that their favorite Kool-Aid flavor is "Purplesaurus Rex.") I think one of the flavors for G2 should be GiveItUp-Berry, perfect for the 40-year-old who can jump three inches off the ground but spends $60 bucks for an UnderArmour...
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Want my feedback? I've had it with surveys

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A version of this column first appeared in The Dallas Morning News and on DallasNews.com. Please check out the site . ------------ In my tweens and early teens, I had the typical jobs of the original MTV generation. I mowed lawns, although probably not well, and I delivered newspapers, although definitely not well. (Extra! Extra! Read all about it: your paper might be in the bushes, or on the roof, or somewhere in the nativity scene you set up for Christmas). A much more exciting job, which I had sporadically over a couple of years, was as a market research consultant. That sounds less impressive when described as “guy who gets paid to eat stuff,” but it was in that role that I helped bring to the American consumer – ta-da! – Hot Pockets. Yes, I really contributed to one of the most iconic microwaveable products to ever burn the top of your mouth. You’re welcome. And I’m sorry. Obviously, this Hot Pockets role requires more explanation. But first, although this might ...
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