Monday, April 28, 2008

The dreaded job evaluation

You walk into the boss's office and feel the first beads of sweat
on your forehead. You heart begins to race, your mouth gets dry,
and you feel like an 8-year-old facing interrogation over a broken
lamp.

It's the annual employee evaluation, a time for paranoia, sweaty
palms and painful silences that stretch out longer than the
director's cut of Apocalypse Now. But relax. These answers to
common evaluation questions will help you get through it.

Q. Where do you see yourself in five years?

A. Taking on bigger challenges, expanding my role with the company
and helping the company strengthen its position for the future.

(Strategically vague, it's the perfect answer to an evaluation
question because it says nothing.)


Q. How do you feel you benefit the company?

A. I'm a team-oriented person who works hard and wants the company
to improve.

(Important note: Never say you are willing to do "whatever it
takes" to help the company improve. "Whatever it takes" would
include working weekends.)


Q. In what ways do you think the company can improve?

A. By dedicating itself to improvement, nourishing an environment
that allows for improvement and taking bold steps toward
improvement.

(Exquisitely nonsensical. You might sound like a politician, but at
least you're playing it safe.)