Monday, March 10, 2008

Humor Me: Bring on the energy drinks

The Dallas Morning News

The only Steven Seagal movie I’ve seen is Marked for Death, and I saw it when I was marked with pimples and struggling with peer pressure. But the movie did make a big impression on me.

First of all, Marked for Death remains the best movie I’ve seen involving a Jamaican drug kingpin named “Screwface.” Second, I still remember that Seagal thwarted injustice with martial arts and delivered powerful lines such as “put your hands where I can see ’em or I’m gonna blow your head off.”

He had the energy to do both.

So when I heard there is an energy drink called Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt, I wasn’t surprised. I also wasn’t surprised to see the Web site for Lightning Bolt claim that the drink holds “untold natural power.”

Untold natural power! That’s unintentionally hilarious, much like Steven Seagal.

But, hey, I’ll give Seagal some credit. He unveiled the drink a couple of years ago to cash in on the ridiculous popularity of energy drinks. And it doesn’t take Seagal’s incredible wisdom — “infinite wisdom” in the humble words of his Web site — to know that the best way to market an overpriced energy drink is by being over the top.

For example, Spike Shooter energy drink takes this subtle approach on its Web site:

“Spike is so potent, the label warns newbies to take it slow, but the flavor’s so good, you’ll want to slam the whole can.”

Whoa, dude. It must be the 1,057 milligrams of “Spike Shooter Formula” in every can. You’ve got to take that slow. Same goes for Burn energy drink’s proprietary blend of Endurlac.

Wait a second. What the heck is Endurlac?

Well, I’m sure it has some beneficial quality, just like the white willow bark extract in BHIP, the aronia berry in Amplifire and the aloe leaf and COQ10 in Marquis Platinum Vitality Drink. I bet if you asked people about their drink, they would guess COQ10 is a character from Star Wars before they guessed it was in their cup.

But it might not matter what’s in the drink. If you check an energy drink’s Web site, the ingredients are often difficult to find. But it’s easy to find descriptions such as this for Monster Energy drink:

“We went down to the lab and cooked up a double shot of our killer energy brew. It’s a wicked mega hit.”

The writer had to be laughing when putting those lines together. Doesn’t it sound like a thirtysomething person trying to talk cool to the neighborhood kids? Like this column is so wicked hype.

But of course, energy drinks are not for kids. Many even include warnings that their product is not suitable for children, although Mad Croc says its energy drink is what you need “when your parents remind you that the lawn isn’t going to mow itself.”

So I guess it is suitable for the slacker adult who needs to get a job and move out of the house.

It’s also suitable for women, but they might prefer Rip It Chic Energy, which boasts that it was “designed by a female chemist.” Its flavors are — omigod! — “Sin-A-Man” and “Berry In-O-Scent.”

Or maybe women would be more interested in Hype Enlite. I don’t know what’s in it, but the Web site raves about its bottle:

“The Hype Enlite packaging is pink and very stylish, contains a stunning floral design and hidden messages. Once the liquid is poured into a glass, you will see it matches the can’s refreshing pink looks.”

Yes, if you’re the kind of person who values a drink that matches the color of its can, this one’s for you.

If you prefer a drink that adds words to the language, check out Vault Red Blitz. It’s a one-two punch of “refreshergy.” If you want a drink that claims to enhance sexual prowess, check out Wired XXX. Drink it down, then get wild with the help of Maca, L-Arginine and Horny Goat Weed.

Or maybe you just want a lift from some Tibetan Goji Berries. That’s part of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt, which contains the “countless secrets of true energy that Steven Seagal has discovered.”

It also promises that you won’t have an energy crash a few hours after drinking it. That crash is experienced only with other drinks.

And with the careers of some action-movie stars.


To sign up for the free weekly Humor Me newsletter, e-mail MATT WIXON