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Showing posts from August 3, 2008

Bananas are everywhere on the road

"Carrying thirty thousand pounds of bananas."

The late, great Harry Chapin's song is being played a lot today in Iowa. But this truck's load of bananas was only 25,000 pounds. That's still a lot of bananas spilled on a road.

Jenny the elephant: 22 years of silence

Here in Dallas, we've had several weeks now of "Jenny" talk. Who is Jenny?

She's an elephant at the Dallas Zoo, where she's been for 22 years. The zoo's other elephant died a few months ago, so the Dallas Zoo is looking for a place to relocate Jenny.

That's when the controversy began. The Dallas Zoo decided that Jenny would be transferred to a safari park in Puebla, Mexico, this fall. But some people want her to be transferred to a sanctuary in Tennessee.

I can't argue that that the Mexico safari park will be better than the Tennessee sanctuary, but the safari park is considered one of the top zoos in Latin America. Of course, the Tennessee sanctuary will give her room to roam in a 300-acre enclosure with three other elephants. The one in Mexico is only five acres, and would be shared with one other elephant.

"Her life will be a hell in Mexico," one person was quoted in The Dallas Morning News.

Here's what I find annoying. For 22 years, Jenny…

No sauce on the sub? I'm calling the cops

You might think that Reginald Peterson was irresponsible to call 911 because he didn't have a true emergency. But have you ever experienced the trauma of a spicy italian sandwich without the perfect amount of sauce?

Mr. Peterson has. He has also experienced being arrested at a Subway.

The agony of defeat

Think of all the golden Olympic moments that will come in the next few weeks. Maybe a few of these moments as well:

Economy crimping style of the rich

The economic slump is serious now:

Many wealthy people are asking their personal shoppers and private-jet travel providers to seek the best deals rather than over-the-top extravagances.

Also, several of them have had to shower in water straight from the tap. It's just insanity out there.

When you gotta go, check the map

Here it is, straight from Snohomish, Wash.:
A dump truck driver who couldn't wait to relieve himself is being blamed for losing his load.The driver was cited for "driving with wheels off the road," which is something every driver should learn from.

Always keep your wheels on the road.

Humor Me: You could be huge in the luge

The summer Olympics are less than a week away. I'm cynical about the whole "spirit" of the Olympics thing -- I think just about everyone is looking for a way to cheat -- but I am pretty excited to watch the events. I believe there is about 4.5 million hours of coverage scheduled on NBC. I don't think that's mathematically possible, but the NBC promos make it seem that way.

So the summer Olympics are starting. But because it's so hot right now, I figured I would write a column about the winter Olympics to help everyone think cool thoughts.

OK, I admit it. This is actually my column from The Dallas Morning News during the winter Olympics. I'm trying to take a few days off and I have a big project that I'm working on that you'll probably hear about later.

So here it is:

Humor Me: You could be huge in the luge

By MATT WIXON

After watching the Olympics for a week, I’m convinced that I have the athletic prowess to be an Olympic luger. What I don’t have, unfor…