Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Humor Me: Lover, find your match

By MATT WIXON

Another Valentine's Day approaches, and here you are, still looking for that special someone.

Maybe special isn't even a requirement anymore. You just need someone ordinary who can show you an extraordinary love -- or at least pose for a photo that you can send to your meddling friends and relatives.

I know it can be difficult. Especially this week, when lucky-in-love people get to show their special someone just how much the Valentine's Day Retailer Mafia can squeeze out of a bank account.

But don't give up hope, because there's still time to find love. In fact, there's still time to find a date for Valentine's Day. Just go to a chat room and identify yourself as a blonde named Candee or a wealthy entrepreneur named Harrison.

Unfortunately, that probably won't turn into a serious, long-term relationship. Compatibility is required for that. For example, although my wife doesn't like sports and I do, and although she likes to watch makeover shows and I don't, we are both human. That helps us make our marriage work.

There are deeper elements of compatibility to explore, of course. That's why dating Web sites use compatibility questionnaires with their clients.

The one here, however, is free and easy. Even easier than trying to fool your friends by saying "I love you too, honeypoo," to a dial tone.

When you're finished with the survey, find another reader, match answers, and then who knows? Soon you could have that funny tingling feeling in your stomach BEFORE eating Mexican food:

1. When a couple has an argument, it's important to ...
A. understand disagreements are part of a healthy relationship.
B. always keep the lines of communication open.
C. wear a microphone for maximum effect.

2. Which statement most resembles your beliefs?
A. "I believe a strong relationship is based on mutual trust."
B. "I believe a strong relationship requires compromise."
C. "I believe you are sitting in my seat. Move."

3. Public display of affection ...
A. makes me uncomfortable.
B. is perfectly fine with me.
C. should be choreographed and practiced beforehand.

4. I like to travel ...
A. some, but I'm not that crazy about it.
B. anywhere in the world, because I'm adventurous.
C. anywhere within state lines, because I'm on parole.

5. Would you live with someone before getting married?
A. No, because it's despicable and should never happen.
B. Yes, because there is nothing wrong with that.
C. Yes, because I'm currently homeless.

6. I enjoy dinner by candlelight ...
A. because it makes a dinner special.
B. because it creates a romantic mood.
C. because the lack of light allows me to pretend my date is someone else.

7. If "fun and carefree" are on one side and "serious and organized" are on the other, I am ...
A. leaning toward fun and carefree.
B. leaning toward serious and organized.
C. checking my calendar to see when I have time to weigh the question thoroughly.

8. In financial matters, I've been called ...
A. thrifty.
B. a spender.
C. by four different bankruptcy lawyers in the same day.

9. I would like to have children ...
A. as soon as possible.
B. when my partner and I are ready.
C. stay out of my way unless they are bringing me a drink.

10. If roses are red and violets are blue ...
A. my heart overflows with love for you.
B. you da wild thang that makes life true.
C. is this a passive-aggressive reminder that I should've bought flowers?

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