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Showing posts from March 16, 2008

Chinese warning: Mind crotch

From the blog of the great Dave Barry comes a story about some of the great attempts at translating Chinese to English.

Featuring:

"Mind crotch."

Eighth grade fight with a twist

A pair of eighth graders get into a fight. It happens all the time. Big deal.

Wait a second. They were eighth grade teachers. Fighting in front of their students. So, so nice.

This paints a nice picture of a couple of people who should be in a different line of work.

Eighth grade teachers Tawana Horton, 30, and Cambrella Pinckney, 28, bumped into each other during a hallway class change Friday afternoon at St. Andrews Middle School and began fighting, according to a report by the Richland County sheriff's department.

'80s Flashback: Avoid the Noid

Friday is here again, so it's time for another '80s Flashback.

Before a word from our sponsor, here are the recent '80s Flashbacks:

'80s Flashback: Mary Lou Retton
'80s Flashback: One night in Bangkok
'80s Flashback: Adams Atoms
'80s Flashback: Don't you forget about me

OK. This week's '80s Flashback is brought to you by the 15-cent postage stamp. Yes, that's what a first-class stamp cost back in 1980. By '89, it had bumped to 25 cents.

Remember when Domino's Pizza was one of the few delivery places? Domino's has lots of competition now, but back in the late '80s, its main nemesis seemed to be "The Noid."

At least in the commercials ...

Who enjoyed the wedding?

I've been to several weddings the last few years, and if anyone reading this was either a bride or groom at one of those weddings, I really enjoyed the wedding.

Really!

OK, maybe.

I think The Onion might have it right:

The lavish, 250-guest wedding of James and Mindy Gallagher, held Sunday at the New Rochelle Country Club, was enjoyed by no one but the bride.

Automatic ball thrower for dogs

If I had any technical expertise, I would make one of these for my dog. Maybe then Maggie wouldn't get lonely when the family is away and start chewing on things.

Thirty bucks, a frozen lake and a dare

We all know about the economy woes in this country and how the dollar is losing value against other currencies. But in some cases, the dollar is still strong.

For example, you only need 30 of those dollars to convince a dumb friend to run naked across a frozen lake.

Biggest surprise about the story:

The man was apparently sober.

When mascots go bad

March Madness begins Thursday, coinciding with a virus that will force many people to call in sick. To prepare for the tournament, here's a good ol' fashioned mascot fight.

The most expensive corn flake ever

How much would you pay for a corn flake shaped like Illinois?

Wow.

(At least there's free shipping)

Paul McCartney says goodbye to millions

Heather Mills got nearly $50 million from Paul McCartney for a four-year marriage. Not bad, huh?

I like this sentence from the story:

Mills emerged from the three-hour private hearing to declare that the settlement had secured her future and that of her 4-year-old daughter, Beatrice.

Yeah, that's pretty secure. All you need is love, the Beatles sang, but $50 million makes other things easier.

St. Patrick's Day is about Grandpa

This is a column I wrote several years ago when I still thought that my receding hairline was because I wore hats too often. On St. Patrick's Day, I thought it would be a good rerun.

St. Patrick's Day is about Grandpa

By MATT WIXON
The Dallas Morning News

Another St. Patrick's Day has crept up on me, leaving me no time to
shop for St. Patrick's Day presents, send out St. Patrick's Day
cards, decorate the house with green lights or go St. Patrick's Day
caroling.

It's probably a good thing. I bet people living in a house with a
huge, glowing shamrock on the front door wouldn't get an invitation
to the next neighborhood party.

But my grandpa would be green with envy over such a display of
Irish heritage. Nobody celebrated St. Patrick's Day like Eugene
McKenna, the king of everything Irish. He played Irish music. Wore
a green bow tie and green derby hat. Even had green mashed potatoes
for dinner. I think he longed for a time when his favorite holiday
would become so bi…

The Little Leprechaun visits

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone.

For some people, this is a big holiday. For others, not really.

But my 5-year-old son loves it because on St. Patrick's Day, the Little Leprechaun leaves a scavenger hunt for him to follow. I thought this would be a one-time thing last year, but Ryan remembered it and asked if the Leprechaun would be leaving a treat again this year.

So this morning, I followed Ryan and my 2-year-old, Cooper, around as they found the clues that led them to the ultimate prize ... a Leprechaun treat. It was green Jell-O powder in a ziploc bag, which the boys are making to eat later.

One of the clues was this:

"My friend Santa uses this to come into the house."

That led the boys to the fireplace, and it led Ryan to say, "Wow, the Little Leprechaun knows Santa!"

Isn't childhood innocence great?

Humor Me: Spring cleaning for the brain

By MATT WIXON
The Dallas Morning News


The other day I walked into the kitchen to get something, and when I got there, I had forgotten what I was looking for. I stood there for a minute but still had no idea. Nothing came to me.

But here’s something I could remember:

The mechanical advantage of a simple machine is equal to that factor by which the machine multiplies the effort force.

I remember that -- word for word -- from science class in elementary school. I also remember that we had pictures of the simple machines, such as a lever, pulley and inclined plane, posted in the classroom. The picture of a wheel-and-axle was next to the poster that was in nearly every 1980s classroom, the one with the dinosaurs smoking cigarettes and the message, “the real reason dinosaurs became extinct.”

I remember all that from two decades ago. And now, in 30 seconds, I can lose my purpose for walking into the kitchen. Hard to explain.

Or maybe not.

Our brains are kind of like computers, right? And when your c…